Dave's Management Lesson Series for Gun Dealers ...
Lesson #1 -
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson #1 - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson #2 -
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson #2 - Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson #3 -
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson #3 -
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
(3) And when you're in really deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two minute management course.
A Woman ...
It is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time.
It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved."
Pass this on to all the women that you know...
and to men so they know the value of a woman.
This is from a friend of mine in
Canada who makes a very hot chili to
keep him warm in the winter. One
time recently he kinda overdid the
peppers and ... well, let him tell it
I went grocery shopping recently while
not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity
of my patented "You're
definitely going to crap yourself,"
chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
point of being painful, which comes with
a written guarantee from me that if you
eat the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened
that morning and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I
mean), nothing happened. No, "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera
peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be
unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door
neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to
come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local
Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store all seemed
at first. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the
store from the restrooms that the pain
hit me. Oh, don't look at me like
you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go"
pain, that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this
pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the
night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the
large intestines and before I
could take one step in the direction of
the restrooms, which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers
fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and
baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which
has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of
this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure
seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle
and out of it, just as an elderly woman
turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I
stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked
into it unsuspecting. Have you
ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean and I'm sure
at least some of you will be able
I could've warned that poor woman but
didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before
gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving
her arms about her head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of
course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh, BIG Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh,
it's hard to keep things "clamped
down," if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles
had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer
funny. IT was coming and I raced
off through the store towards the
restrooms all the while laying down a
cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand and final
"assplosion" took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the
nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable "Oh my God," floating
above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging my
intestines. One poor fellow walked
in while I was in the middle of what is
the true meaning of "Shock and Awe."
I heard a gagging sound and he
disgustedly moaned, "SonofaBITCH!", then
Once finished I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and
said, "Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going
to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care
of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!"
He then ran off returning moments later
with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the
premises and asked none too kindly not
Home again without having shopped, I
realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two
more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say
anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. They
claim they're going to have to repaint
Wow, Only in Canada!
The Wonder of an Apron
I don't think our kids today know what an apron really is. Grandma's was a wonder.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When food was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to lunch or dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. How times have changed. While Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool, now her Granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. Use that apron today and wipe a tear about yesterday.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble ringed with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS
I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable -- angels have walked beside me all my life -- and they still do. This candle of Love, Hope and Friendship was lit on the 15th of September, 1998. Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you.
A young university student was home for the summer. She had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked "God" to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, she decided to take it.
However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped around her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.
She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question? Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.
When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."
Moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of Prayer!
Gives ya goose bumps, doesn't it! This is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you as you send this story on. Please keep this candle alive.
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I feel I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. It may not come. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing, because I'll never
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write "one of these days." Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would have added laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special, a Good Day to be Alive. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. Take a minute to reflect on today. Would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your life and relationships? It certainly won't be the last.
A SPECIAL GROCERY LIST
Louise Redden was poorly dressed and walked with a look of defeat on her face as she entered the small corner grocery store. The old woman had fallen into bad times. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She
softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they sorely needed food.
John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. Visualizing her family needs, she said, "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." But John insisted he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.
Standing beside the counter was a man who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family. In a very reluctant voice, the grocer asked the woman, "Do you have a grocery list?"
Louise replied, "Yes sir." Thinking he was very sly, the grocer said, "Okay, put your list on my scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will GIVE you that amount in groceries."
Louise hesitated a moment, with her head stilled bowed she reached into her purse, took out a piece of paper and scribbled some words. She then laid the paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with great amazement. It was not a grocery list at all, it was a prayer, which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; "It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs."
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
According to The History Channel, during the Victorian age, people would only change a baby's diaper every four days. Whew!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. These are very interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were beginning to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, etc.) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." Also, there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. So, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor", evolved.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. You guessed it, the saying of a "thresh hold." (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes a stew had the food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for about the next 400 years, tomatoes were considered to be poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top, or "upper-crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they woke up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, about 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth.. Now, whoever said that History was boring?
Five (5) lessons about life and living it.
1 - First Important Lesson - The Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached... It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" He asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" He inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies...
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road, thereby making the road more passable to all who followed. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables so he could continue on his way, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never learn or understand!
Every obstacle in our path presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be by a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her younger brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister, the only thing that may save her life.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood and then die himself in order to save her.
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